she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize