i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
