Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
