what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
