I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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