Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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