Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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