This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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