Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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