she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
