If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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