I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
