so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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