I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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