come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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