i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize