I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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