I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
