I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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