Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize