I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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