id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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