I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
