WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i believe in u and ur pee
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
