i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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