If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
