she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
