Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
