by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
