I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
