dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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