WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
