A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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