My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
