i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
