so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
