I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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