My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
