the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
