sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
