Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
