Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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