Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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