i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
