I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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