im six kinds of drunk right now
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
