my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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