Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
