don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
