Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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