Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
