took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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