id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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