its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
