I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
