Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
