I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize