o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
