you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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