this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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