You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
where are my eyebrows?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
